| Its not how to succeed in life as it is how to survive the life you have chosen |
[entries|archive|friends|userinfo] |
|
| Secrets Whispered to a Wall |
[Aug. 17th, 2010|03:46 am] |
Well, no one reads this anyway so I might as well just type in this for now on I suppose.
It's late as another restless night is upon me. I listen to Miles Davis through my headphones and I am taken away to a world of cool and blue; this is just how Miles intended it to be I hope. Either way, I am enjoying the experience despite my lack of sleep and lack of desire to actually sleep. Sleep is death for a few hours out of the day, why waste those hours pretending to be dead?
I'm at a strange and terrible crossroad in my life once again. I lost many things these past few years and I am still here. Still breathing. Barely. Breathing nonetheless though. I suppose that can't be too bad of a thing since I know I am alive at this present moment. Tomorrow may hold different answers for different crystal gazers. My left eye is burning from the contact lens I had taken out. It is slightly red and very irritable. Like an angry hornet about to be lightly stepped on my a child who will be stung to no end.
I sit here and contemplate things of my past, present and future. The past is usually made up bullshit that we tend to make up tiny details that never actually happened. The future is unpredictable and never ends up being what we want it to be. The only way to live is in the present moment. This is sort of hard to do since every thought we think of is already in the past. Tricky. Yet, I am trying my best to live in the current moment as trying to repair past mistakes and future accidents just doesn't work out that way. Usually trying to repair the past just makes it ten times worse. Not many live in the moment and feel the need to cling onto their past and that arises all sorts of problems. Unless someone tried to murder you or something, why cling on to the hatred and resentment you have towards them? People change every day and if that person genuinely made a change and wants to be a better person. Let them. Don't sit there and hold them back from being better because of a mistake in the past. Let. It. Go.
I need to realize who I am and love myself. Not in an egotistical way mind you. I need to love myself as in I accept my faults as a person and strive to repair such faults so I am a better person in the long run. Easier said than done I suppose. It is like a constant New Year's Resolution that is never fulfilled and only talked about to a small circle of people. And such is life I suppose. Broken promises and dreams. Strewn across the floor like demolished glass in a beautiful yet dangerous array of sharp crystals waiting to puncture the skin to inflict the pain that makes us realize how hard it is to achieve such things called, "Dreams" and to keep absurd ideas like "promises."
I'm not sure what the purpose of this is, I just feel the need to vent a bit. No one reads these anyway so I reckon I am safe, no? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2010|12:35 am] |
Hi world
I hate my life.
Long story.
Oh well
Love,
Me; |
|
|
| drunk lvoe notes |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|11:14 pm] |
|
SO I am drynk off Jack Daniels and Pepsi or wgatecvr. i think it was Walmart soda. whatever. It was delicious. I think te bannaa have me by the brain the brain babananana. I love lifge, totally I wish I was a famous wirter. I totally am licing the life og a wiryter. I think,,,? Holy shit I cant think right or tpye riight. I love you man. I love every person here, for real. YO! I love you y hears me!!!!!?? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|11:13 pm] |
So, it's been a while since I actually have actively posted.
I guess I have too much to do and not enough time to do it; or I just don't have the patience to write/type anymore.
Fuck me sideways, I'd thought I've never write/type that sentence in my entire life.
I've lost touch with so many people as of late. I still keep in contact with some, but I am not as active as I used to be and that is saying a lot. I just don't know what I should do to keep people I've lost back in my life.
I generally just think no one has time to deal with me and would probably be better off. I don't bring much to the table except the occasional funny one-liner.
The phone works both ways I suppose. But on the same token, no one is blowing up my phone. The number hasn't changed, just the phone.
I guess I should give an update of sorts of what is going on in my routine, yet random life:
- I need a place to live by the time I graduate (God willing) after the Spring 08' semester. Heather and me need to move on our own. I'm getting older and not much wiser, I need to get my life in order I suppose.
-Heather and me are doing good. She is helping me through a lot of shit, especially in my fuckin warped mind. Thank you for asking.
-I'm going through extreme bouts of up-and-down depression. Some days I am alright and others I just want to literally kill myself. I have had episodes of suicidal tendencies when these emotional crashes occur. Have I acted out on any of these? No, but the images are vivid in my mind and holy fuckin hell does it scare me.
-I see an old friend/bio-feedback for my nervousness and anxiety. The sessions go good, but it will take time for me to get the swing of it.
-I have super anger rage moments. Like I literally have fits, the other day I was so mad that my eyes hurt from shaking and the blood boiling inside.
-The anxiety attacks come and go. Earlier this week I had a bad one at work and was sent home early. They love me at Costco, so they didn't fault me for anything. Thank Christ for that, because they pay good.
-Uhmmm. . . thats about it I reckon. |
|
|
| Wow, that long? |
[Apr. 17th, 2007|01:05 am] |
|
Oh God, it's been so long. . . so long indeed. I swear on the Holy Mother of Dr. Pepper I will update more now. |
|
|
| Long Road |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|04:29 pm] |
| [ | Enviromental Sounds |
| | "Long Road"- Pearl Jam | ] |
Yeah, I never update. Never enough time, I miss the days when I had time to do such things as update with obscenely long journal updates and such.
Anyway . . .
Heather is moved in the house. Things are going good, she's keeping me from going totally insane with all the shit thats been happening lately, amazinly. I'm usually a tough one to keep in check with certain things.
I guess the first bit, as some of you may know, my mom has a dangerously high good chance of having M.S. or Multiple Sclerosis. She had an M.R.I. done and her doctor told her it's either that or Alzheimers. But he feels it's more M.S., she goes to a Neurologist the day after Christmas to get the detailed results of the M.R.I. scans. So that's been a rough thing thus far. And my uncle goes this week for a pacemaker and defibulator (sp?). And that one worries me too, I mean it's meant to help his heart, but still scares me though.
And all this shit had me thinking about my dad today. I have to call to check on him. He's actually the healthiest one that I am related to I think. But I still need to check on him though. He's my one concern because I don't see him nor talk to him alot, so if anything is wrong I wouldn't know unless I called to find out you know?
And this M.S. thing bothers the hell out of me, mom is taking it better than I am, or at least she leads me to believe she is taking it better. But she's not one to hide emotions, so I take it as the truth. I know it must have knocked a new perspective into her life, but it also knocked one into me as well. I can't properly explain it to be honest. All I know is, even though the M.S. isn't a death sentence right away, I do accept Death and it can happen at any given moment. So I am trying to view life differently. Not that I am afraid to kick off mind you, I just want to experience things before I expire like 3 month old milk. It is hard to do when you're broke though. I do feel that the rate I am going, I will wake up older and near death and go, "What the fuck happened to the time?"
So, hopefully with me going to DeVry for computers I can make a living and manage to live a decent life and accomplish what I want to accomplish. I just hope I am doing the right thing. I really don't want to wake up and never regain the time I lost.
Life is scary, but whatever, I'll manage, I always do, right?
So that's about it really. Just thankful that Heather is keeping me sane through this long, strange and terrible journey. Christ, I'm exhausted and I need to be at work at 4. Fuck.
-J- |
|
|
| Suck me down, it's time to rock and roll |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|09:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Room | ] |
| [ | Enviromental Sounds |
| | "What I See" - Lacuna Coil | ] |
Where to begin and when to end. Alot has been going on yet nothing of importance that I can recall.
Well, I guess I'll go with my clearest memory, I got to see Rob Zombie/Godsmack on Friday. That was a wicked show, Godsmack played for almost 3 hours. Rob seemed pissed off, I don't blame him, the sound system was fucked up and it didn't help it was at PNC so the sound is shit right there. He seemed a step ahead of the band or something, he vented quite alot, it was humorous. Rob's a class act though, not once was he a dick to the crowd. Sully Erna of Godsmack is my new hero, that dude can play at my house, seriously, he's the coolest fuckin frontman ever. He might come off as a douche or something, but he was a fuckin really cool guy. And I would love just an ounce of, dare I say, positive energy that he gave off. From the guy that growls, "I fuckin hate you!" you couldn't help but to be caught up in his positive energy flow of loving to play in front of people. He genuinely appears to love to perform for people and just loves to be in a band. Sully doesn't appear to be in it for the cash, despite the fact both bands had a crazy ass pyro heavy stage show, Sully is one of those dudes that loves to go to the limit for the fans. And I salute the Boston-accented bastard. Even when two people rushed the stage he was cool with it, he told security to lay off the one guy and let him go back to his seat. And the other dude bumped into the bass player, whose name escapes me, and they didn't stop playing. None of that "We're not gonna p[lay if you can't settle down." shit, they didn't miss a beat. I hope these fuckers roll into town soon, I will plunk down the coin to see Godsmack again. And Rob Zombie of course, it's my second show in 6 months with Rob.
Other than that, I started work at Blockbuster, I like it, it keeps me busy and the people are cool as hell. I'm back at school, no fucking around like I do, this semester will be hardcore, for sure.
Life at home is rough with the kids and the puppy. When one starts, so do the other, so it is a bizarre claustrophobic clusterfuck of barking, yelling and running. Ye Gods is it insane. Work or school can't come fast enough to be honest. Right now though, the dog seems to be mellow. He's on my bed watching t.v., literally, he watches t.v., he's a fuckin freak.
Heather started work this week, she seems to know more than the rest of the employee's there. I tell her she will be the first minimum wage store manager in due time. She is sort of the reluctant leader, she doesn't really want the title of leader, but she has that natural ability to lead and she never takes it upon herself, it just happens that way. But things will work out soon enough.
What else . . . . I'm slowly going insane or just one angry fucker. I dunno, I need to chill out soon though. I am going to pop like a little pimple soon. And the rage filled pus inside will spew all over the mirror of society. God, that's a fucked up analogy.
Anyway, I'm out.
-J- |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small}
funkspice's journal